My “Men are Trash” Experience

Imagine feeling like you’ve fallen hard for somebody only to find out the next day they’re engaged. My city is the literal worst!

I went through a truly traumatizing experience which as we in my country call “character development”. I was knocked down, humbled, crushed, it completely wrecked and ruined my self esteem and out of the ashes of that hot mess I regained my footing and I don’t think I’m ever quite going to lose it again. Here are the lessons I learned along the way:

1. Be wary – yes even of the nice guys!

The culprit was literally the last person you would ever have suspected to carry out “character development” of this nature. Fuckboys/players/manipulators do not only come in bad boy, good looking packages. Sometimes someone could be the sweetest looking most innocent most pious person in your friend group/workplace/wherever, yes – that guy! The nerd, the dork, the innocent one. I had my guard down with this person because they were known as the most moral guy around, so while I was cautious with everyone else this person had my defenses down completely, I talked to them without any barriers. We grew extremely close and things happened way too fast between us – only for me to find out he was engaged – and not through him!

This person was loudly proclaiming his fiancee/now wife to the world and in the background he was telling me sob stories about how his family expects things of him and all that jazz.

2. To let go, you have to want to let go.

Time only heals if you actually really want to let go. I took so long to get over the situation because part of me was still holding on. Yes I was following all the advice – staying away, keeping busy, working out focusing on myself etc, but NONE of that will EVER work unless you truly truly want to let go of the person from the inside. You’ll just end up obsessing over the person even while you’re so-called “focusing on yourself”. Next time you’re struggling to get over someone – take a real hard look at yourself and scrutinize which ways you’re refusing to let go. And it’s in the little things.

For example, you still keep their chats/images/things they gave you. Your “focusing on yourself” is deep down trying to get them to notice you or be reattracted to you. I refused to block and delete because I was still holding on to that so called connection we had had, and fooling myself into believing the things he was saying, painting this scenario in my head of a star-crossed lovers-ish scenario, when the truth is he was just an a**hole. Talking about the topic is also another way of holding on. Yes you need to vent and cry but if it’s been months and you’re still talking to your trusted ones about it, that’s still a form of holding on (I was definitely guilty!)

You need to do all the things to heal – it’s a process. There are no rules that you can follow. As long as you’re not breaking any laws or harming people. Most of us will go through the MUD before we get out on the other end. Trying to be too cool, get over it quickly or suppress our emotions only makes the whole shitty thing last longer. So yes, blast that Big Sean. Blast that Taylor Swift. Cry. Feel all those pathetic feelings you’re ashamed to feel. Stalk their social media. Leave that drunk voicemail and embarass yourself. Some of us have to embarass ourselves a few times and let it all out of our system. There’ll be a time you really won’t want to anymore.

3. It’s not as simple as daddy issues!!!!!

I’m not a trained psychologist or anything – but these are just my thoughts as a common person. Whenever someone seems to have trouble with romantic relationships – say, going after emotionally unavailable people or craving validation, society boils it down to daddy issues. But that doesn’t really help the situation, does it?

Okay, so I was in that situation – constantly pining over someone who couldn’t care less about me. I know I’m pining. I know I never got enough validation from my father and had really bad self esteem as a result. This doesn’t help me at all! It doesn’t help me get over the situation. Understanding my behavior didn’t magically make the obsession go away.

4. People be with who they want to be with.

This isn’t some period drama about a rich prince who is being forced to marry another princess when he’s actually in love with a maid. This is 2021. Most people ARE free to be with who they want to be with. (Yes even us brown people! Don’t use your family as an excuse to opt out of that interracial relationship – plenty of interracial couples have gotten through all the exact same barriers you’re facing, and their parents got over it!)

This person did not choose me. They fed me sob stories about how they’re trapped in that engagement – when they are the one who proposed, and they’re the one proudly showing off to people. Never accept excuses. A person who really loves you and wants to be with you will choose you, every time. If they’re busy, they’ll make time for you. If they have family issues, they’ll overcome them or at least try. If they have their emotional issues to work through, they will definitely overcome those issues for you. (I don’t mean mental health issues but say – if they were a former playperson they will settle down for you). We have seen examples of this all the time. If they’re not doing it, you’re just not the person they want to be with and you shouldn’t waste a single more second on them.

I’ve learned to save my time and attention for people who choose me and not make excuses for people’s crappy behavior and treatment.

5. Self esteem really is an inside job.

This situation yanked out all my insecurities from when I was growing up about not being good enough. I compared myself to the main girl constantly, beating myself up about how there must be something wrong with me if he’s not choosing me. Pretty pathetic, I know. I still get those thoughts sometimes.

But no one is going to magically come and take that pain away. There’s no point where something will happen to me and I’ll suddenly feel worthy. If it does, it will last for a few seconds and then I’ll find another way to not feel good. The only way to do that is to nourish yourself. Yes – nourish, not stand around in a mirror reciting positive self affirmations.

I simply had to get a life. I had to remember that I existed outside of this person and their perception of me. I had hobbies. I had interests. I had other loves like books, and coffee and Marvel movies. I had things and people in my life that genuinely made me happy and I needed to be around that! This person was not the end-all-be-all of my happiness.

Have you guys ever gone through something like this? Please let me know how you moved past it!